Dark Days

More than a month has gone by since I have posted. I have been having some dark days. It began when my right leg acted up and I was barely able to walk. From my hip to my ankle I was having unbelievable pain. I had to postpone my Crossfit workouts, I was just trying to make it to work. I became depressed, I had been making some progress and felt like I was having a terrible set back, so I fell into my old ways, turning to food. I won't go into the amounts I ate, because it is quite embarrassing.  Then I got a hold of myself and tried to think correctly, one thing I realized was my Birkenstocks were completely worn down on the outside. I try to switch them out with a fresh pair every few months, I forgot. After switching them my leg began feeling better.

Then we were about a two weeks out from Prom, I was putting in extra hours and all of a sudden my leg was even worse than before, I don't know why. I can only think that it is tired of all the extra weight and we had a few warm days which meant fluid retention. I was taking lassix and potassium twice a day trying to keep the fluid retention to a minimum. By the night before prom, I had to leave decorating early, I knew if I didn't leave I wouldn't be able to drive home, my leg had quit working, I had to kind of drag it behind me. Getting it into and out of the car was horrible. Even pain medication wasn't touching the pain. It seems like I was crying at the drop of a hat, I was really emotional and sad.

I am doing better now. My leg still hurts, but it hurts like my left leg, they both hurt, not the crazy intense pain; though sometimes I still have trouble walking. I think I am going to wait to begin Crossfit again until I am off work for the summer. My weight spiraled out of control during this time, I got back up to 442 lbs, just 9 pounds from my highest weight.

Yesterday I weighed in at 432 lbs, and I am eating consciously. I am recording everything I eat, I am reminding myself that every bite counts. That I need to make the right choices for this meal and then do it again the next meal and keep repeating the right choices and eventually I will make progress. Right now I am not eating Paleo, I do believe it is the healthiest way to eat, it just seems too hard right now. For this week I am making healthier choices and keeping my calories under 2800. I know, that is a really high number, but if you knew what my calorie count was on my dark days, well it is cut more than half. I am going to try it for this week and see what the scale says, see if I lose 2 pounds. If it works, I will keep on, when I don't loose 2 pounds, I know I will need to change what I am doing, lower the calories, eat closer to Paleo.

I just know my entire life I have always been the hare. I have always looked for the quickest weight loss. So I go to extremes, wanting fantastic results and I would get fantastic results, the problem is I can't stay at the extreme for long and then I gain what I lost and more. I want to be the turtle. I would have lost all of my weight many times over had I just slowly lost 1-2 pounds a week. Moderation.

It is good to have hope again. Things have been very dark indeed.