Superstitions

Don't walk under a ladder, find a penny pick it up, black cats crossing your path, knock on wood, cross your fingers, don't tell anyone how you are doing on your weight loss journey (this is doubly true if you are doing well). Oh wait, that last one isn't really a superstition? Well it should be!!!

I have been playing the weight loss game my entire life and I am not exaggerating when I say that almost without fail, every time I am on a roll and doing well, starting to feel like I have a handle on what is going on, feel secure enough in my success, in my new way of eating to share it with someone, it turns around and bites me in the ass. And if it is family I told? It just bites faster and harder!

Surely I am not alone, I can't be the only person who this seems to happen to. What is my problem? I am not around anyone who tries to trip me up or create problems for me and yet soon after I share I am face down in the food, out of control, feeling horribly physically and mentally. Emotionally I am a wreck, I don't want hide, become a recluse. I don't want to chance an encounter with the person I just shared my good news with.

What is the deal, do I have a finite amount 'go gettum, you can do it" and when I share it dissipates to the point of having none left for my own motivation?

Actually I tell others, especially when I am feeling good and in control, but in the back of my mind I wonder if I am worried I am setting myself up for failure and now a public failure. Lets face it, I have yet to succeed long term at this thing. I am still grossly obese. 

When I am not eating clean the speed at which I gain weight amazes me. Not too long ago I had gotten down to 420 lbs, I was starting to feel better. Today I am 435 lbs.

What is wrong with me? I hate being out of control! I hate being a constant failure. I hate that my weight dictates my entire life. I am so tired of being tired and hurting all of the time. Of feeling like I am suffocating, trapped in my own body. What is wrong with me? What defect is there in my brain that keeps going off, not letting me stay the course that would bring me freedom and happiness. Why am I so broken. 

Progress Not Perfection

This morning's weight 420.4 lbs. I am pretty happy with that number. I am making good progress. For awhile I will be weighing in on Friday and Monday mornings for two challenges I am a part of at Active Low Carber Forums. I've lost 8.2 lbs since Monday, totally exciting, right? You would think I would be on top of the world and rockin the next few days, high on my weight loss.

Well today didn't quite go that way. Breakfast (1/2 hamburger patty) did not agree with me. Our Office Manager brought in homemade cinnamon rolls today. Her cinnamon rolls are incredible, the best I have ever eaten. Guess what I ate today? Yep, I did. I enjoyed every bite. I didn't feel guilty about it. I do hope that I will still be at 420 lbs when I weigh in on Monday, less of course would be even better, but I will take maintaining.

There were a few things I did not enjoy. loss of focus, tiredness, the heat was even worse (today is the 7th consecutive day with highs in the high 90's and our AC at work isn't working). I have noticed that when I eat clean, the heat is tolerable,  don't get me wrong, it is still hot and I sweat still pours off my face but I don't feel like I need to claw my way out of my skin. Actually a thought occurred as I am typing, I think I sweat more when I eat clean, maybe that has something to do with it. Hmmm...interesting, I will have to pay attention.

I have so much to say and I know I am not really going to be getting into any of the actual topics tonight since it is late and I am heading to bed soon. I do want to check in though. I am doing really well, what a crazy process changing a life can be.

My eating has been pristine the last three days, and happily it has been for the most part easy to do. The only downside is I haven't been sleeping. I am crossing my fingers for a good night's sleep tonight.

I think one of the reasons I have had such an easy time of it this go around is the food I bought at Costco for this week.

Everyday for lunch this week I have had Amylu Sweet Caramelized Onion Chicken Burgers from Costco. They aren't much to look at, but my oh my do that taste good. They come two in a vacuum sealed bag, so every morning I throw a bag into my lunch box. I have been eating one for snack around 10:30 am and the other for lunch with some cherry tomatoes and sometimes some Greek yogurt. Very tasty, heated up and ready to eat in one minute. Only 150 calories each, with 22 grams of protein, 2 grams of carbs and 7.5 grams of fat.


For dinner I have been having a pre-cooked blue cheese Angus burger from Costco, with a salad. I have been so into olive oil and red wine vinegar dressing, loving it!

Here is a sample of my food diary for September 6, 2011 (I use the LoseIt application on my iPhone, I absolutely love it, best food tracking app out there).

Daily Report for September 6, 2011

Daily Log
Breakfast		627
Breakfast Quiche	½ Serving	240
No nutrient data for: Fiber
Eas Whey Protein Powder	2 Servings	240
Cream, light	5 Tablespoons	146
Lunch		518
Chicken Burger	1 Serving	150
No nutrient data for: Fiber
Yogurt Mixture	1 Serving	368
Dinner		606
Blue Cheese Angus Burger	1 Serving	330
No nutrient data for: Fiber
Lettuce, Romaine, Hearts, Fresh	4 Cups	30
Oil, olive, extra virgin	2 Tablespoons	240
Vinegar, Red Wine	2 Tablespoons	6
Snacks		150
Chicken Burger	1 Serving	150
No nutrient data for: Fiber

Nutrients
Fat	121g	56%
Carbohydrates	53g	11%
Fiber	11g
Protein	159g	33%

Summary
Food Calories	1,900
Exercise Calories	-
Net Calories	1,900
+/- Calories	-103
Weight	-

September 1, 2011

I can't believe I haven't blogged since June. Perhaps I would have been more successful if I had put my thoughts and experiences to paper. It has been a different summer. We spent a week in Southern California visiting family, I broke up with my boyfriend, my step-dad passed away, my 18 year old left for college and I gained all but 10 lbs of my weight back, getting back up to 441 lbs.

Today is day one again, I started out bound and determined to jump in with both feet and give it 100% for the entire month of September. I would like to see what kind of results I would get if I were to do that. I started out gung ho, knowing I would be able to do it. However by 5:00 pm, my thoughts began wandering to pasta and other types of food that are not healthy for me. I reigned in my thoughts and did the right thing this evening.

Day One - 432.6