Superstitions

Don't walk under a ladder, find a penny pick it up, black cats crossing your path, knock on wood, cross your fingers, don't tell anyone how you are doing on your weight loss journey (this is doubly true if you are doing well). Oh wait, that last one isn't really a superstition? Well it should be!!!

I have been playing the weight loss game my entire life and I am not exaggerating when I say that almost without fail, every time I am on a roll and doing well, starting to feel like I have a handle on what is going on, feel secure enough in my success, in my new way of eating to share it with someone, it turns around and bites me in the ass. And if it is family I told? It just bites faster and harder!

Surely I am not alone, I can't be the only person who this seems to happen to. What is my problem? I am not around anyone who tries to trip me up or create problems for me and yet soon after I share I am face down in the food, out of control, feeling horribly physically and mentally. Emotionally I am a wreck, I don't want hide, become a recluse. I don't want to chance an encounter with the person I just shared my good news with.

What is the deal, do I have a finite amount 'go gettum, you can do it" and when I share it dissipates to the point of having none left for my own motivation?

Actually I tell others, especially when I am feeling good and in control, but in the back of my mind I wonder if I am worried I am setting myself up for failure and now a public failure. Lets face it, I have yet to succeed long term at this thing. I am still grossly obese. 

When I am not eating clean the speed at which I gain weight amazes me. Not too long ago I had gotten down to 420 lbs, I was starting to feel better. Today I am 435 lbs.

What is wrong with me? I hate being out of control! I hate being a constant failure. I hate that my weight dictates my entire life. I am so tired of being tired and hurting all of the time. Of feeling like I am suffocating, trapped in my own body. What is wrong with me? What defect is there in my brain that keeps going off, not letting me stay the course that would bring me freedom and happiness. Why am I so broken.