Dark Days

More than a month has gone by since I have posted. I have been having some dark days. It began when my right leg acted up and I was barely able to walk. From my hip to my ankle I was having unbelievable pain. I had to postpone my Crossfit workouts, I was just trying to make it to work. I became depressed, I had been making some progress and felt like I was having a terrible set back, so I fell into my old ways, turning to food. I won't go into the amounts I ate, because it is quite embarrassing.  Then I got a hold of myself and tried to think correctly, one thing I realized was my Birkenstocks were completely worn down on the outside. I try to switch them out with a fresh pair every few months, I forgot. After switching them my leg began feeling better.

Then we were about a two weeks out from Prom, I was putting in extra hours and all of a sudden my leg was even worse than before, I don't know why. I can only think that it is tired of all the extra weight and we had a few warm days which meant fluid retention. I was taking lassix and potassium twice a day trying to keep the fluid retention to a minimum. By the night before prom, I had to leave decorating early, I knew if I didn't leave I wouldn't be able to drive home, my leg had quit working, I had to kind of drag it behind me. Getting it into and out of the car was horrible. Even pain medication wasn't touching the pain. It seems like I was crying at the drop of a hat, I was really emotional and sad.

I am doing better now. My leg still hurts, but it hurts like my left leg, they both hurt, not the crazy intense pain; though sometimes I still have trouble walking. I think I am going to wait to begin Crossfit again until I am off work for the summer. My weight spiraled out of control during this time, I got back up to 442 lbs, just 9 pounds from my highest weight.

Yesterday I weighed in at 432 lbs, and I am eating consciously. I am recording everything I eat, I am reminding myself that every bite counts. That I need to make the right choices for this meal and then do it again the next meal and keep repeating the right choices and eventually I will make progress. Right now I am not eating Paleo, I do believe it is the healthiest way to eat, it just seems too hard right now. For this week I am making healthier choices and keeping my calories under 2800. I know, that is a really high number, but if you knew what my calorie count was on my dark days, well it is cut more than half. I am going to try it for this week and see what the scale says, see if I lose 2 pounds. If it works, I will keep on, when I don't loose 2 pounds, I know I will need to change what I am doing, lower the calories, eat closer to Paleo.

I just know my entire life I have always been the hare. I have always looked for the quickest weight loss. So I go to extremes, wanting fantastic results and I would get fantastic results, the problem is I can't stay at the extreme for long and then I gain what I lost and more. I want to be the turtle. I would have lost all of my weight many times over had I just slowly lost 1-2 pounds a week. Moderation.

It is good to have hope again. Things have been very dark indeed.

2000 Meters Rowing

Today's Crossfit workout went well. I warmed up with 500 meters on the rowing machine and some stretches, then I learned, well I think it was called a muscle snatch. Then on to the WOD.

10 push ups (on a pole on the weight bar)
10 shoulder presses (20 lbs)
500 meters rowing

Repeat 3X

I said "okay" but inside I was thinking there was no way I would be able to finish that workout. I did finish it, with a lot of encouragement from Dave. It took 17.06 minutes.

My eating has been off, with Easter tomorrow I haven't been too stressed about it being off. I will be back on full force come Monday.

Info for today:
Weight: 424 lbs (up a few pounds)
Waist: 61"
Hips: 66"

Hard Doesn Not Mean Impossible

I'm feeling pretty accomplished right now. I had another workout, I learned how to do dead lifts and sumo dead lifts. I was dead lifting 53 lbs! That is something I never thought I would do, absolutely amazes and thrills me.

I warmed up with 500 meters on the rowing machine, some leg kicks, lunges and stretches. Then I learned how to properly do the lifts, we practiced those for a bit, then I did my WOD.

It was 12 reps/9 reps/6 reps dead lifting (53 lbs) and step ups (I used one of the 1" weights stacked on a thicker weight 2.5" maybe?). My time for that was 6.42 minutes. After resting for a bit and catching my breath I finished off with 500 more meters on the rowing machine as fast as I could without stopping.

Reading it, I know it doesn't sound like much, but I have to tell you I have never worked so hard in my life as I do at each crossfit workout. Never so hard, never get my heart pounding so much, never felt so accomplished. I wonder if what I feel at the end of a workout is a little taste of like a runner's high? It is a really good feeling, I can't wait till I can do more to get more of that good feeling. It is hard, and it is painful, but I love that it is short!

Okay, time to go, my arms are burning from holding them up to type...not even exaggerating here.

My great Aunt Patsy had this photo posted on her facebook wall. I loved it!

Where to begin...well, I didn't workout today, my trainer has the flu, so we rescheduled for Thursday. I am having a difficult time getting my mind back on board with a pure Paleo, so I decided to compromise. A few years ago I read about Chris Powell helping David Elmore Smith loose 400 pounds, one of the things I remember reading was that David could have two cheat meals a week as long as there were two days in between them. I want to see if that will work for me. I would still like to make the cheat meals gluten and sugar free (I could be wrong, but for me I think it is a bigger culprit than dairy and corn). I don't know if it is a good idea for me or not, but I am going to at least try it and as long as I keep losing weight, then I will keep it like this. My hope is that eventually I won't want to use two cheat meals every week. It's tricky, for a long time I have felt that even though my weight is physical, the battle is going to be won or lost in my mind.

My plan worked during lunch today, we served tater-tot casserole and it really smelled good! I told myself, if I really want some I can make it and have it for one of my meals, that I like mine better anyway. It worked, I had a banana instead. Time will tell if this is a good plan long term for me.

Fasting blood sugar: 143, Calories for the day: 2826, Steps for the day: 2439.

Exciting news! My brother Dylan James has posted a few songs on youtube. If you click on his name it will take you to one of my favorites, Play Me by Neil Diamond.

I am going to weigh on Friday, I hope there will be a loss. As long as I am moving in the right direction, I don't mind moving a little slower if it means I stay in the game longer.

Back in the Saddle Again...

What a long day today has been. The first day back to work after a break is agonizing. Then the sun has to be out in full force making the kids a little squirrley, it is worse than a full moon. I think the ideal situation would be for the first day back to be an in-service day - NO KIDS! Give us a chance to become acclimated to work again. Who knew sitting in a chair and doing office work all day could be so strenuous, all of us in the office seemed to feel a bit beat up by the time we left.

This morning the office manager kindly reminded me Prom is only 5 weeks away! Yikes!!!

Food was hard today, being the first day back, I was really hungry all day today. So I ate. I brought plenty of good food with me to work just in case. By the time I got home I was really moody, I tried a new recipe and it was horrible, just terrible! The reviews said the chicken was nice and crunchy, mine was not nice and crunchy it was pasty and gross. So I washed off all the cooked chicken breasts. Chris thought he was watching Comedy Central, he couldn't stop making wise cracks and cracking himself up. It was kind of funny, pathetic, but funny.

I am tired of eating meat. It doesn't taste good. At least chicken and pork, I need to buy some beef, maybe that will taste good. It could be my cooking.

Tomorrow I have Crossfit, it will be the first time after working a full day. I am going in at 4:30 pm, I wonder if I will be off in a corner someplace since I know that is a regular class time. I hope my body is feeling better by tomorrow. My knee and hip were really hurting today, I believe it is inflammation from my poor food choices over the weekend. One thing for sure, I will sleep good tomorrow night.

Here is a breakdown of what I ate today, not where I want to be, but I did what I had to do to not go off. The exercise transfers into my Lose It account from my Fitbit . I love both, I have apps on my phone for both. The Fitbit is a fancy pedometer (it is very cool and much more than a pedometer), my steps for today were 2089. I will be curious to see what they are tomorrow after my workout.

Daily Report for April 2, 2012

Daily Log
Breakfast		253
Pure Protien - Great Lakes Gelatin	3 Servings	75
Coffee, Brewed w/ Tap Water	16 Fluid ounces	5
Milk, Almond, Original, Almond Breeze	½ Cup	30
Coconut Flour Banana Muffins	1 Serving	143
Lunch		465
Nuts, Cashews, Halves & Pieces, Planters	¾ Ounce	120
Chicken, Broiler/Fryer, Breast, w/o Skin, Rstd	1 Each	142
Tomatoes, Fresh, Med	1 Each	22
Coconut, Dried, Unswtnd	2 Tablespoons	61
Coconut Flour, Bobs	2 Tablespoons	60
Oil, Coconut, Organic, Spectrum Naturals	½ Tablespoon	60
Dinner		480
Chicken, Broiler/Fryer, Breast, w/o Skin, Rstd	½ Each	71
Lettuce, Romaine, Hearts, Fresh	1 Cup	8
Tomatoes, Fresh, Med	⅔ Each	15
Bacon, Brld/Pan Fried/Rstd, Med Slice	3 Pieces	130
Sweet Potatoes, Dark Orange, Fresh, Cubes	1 Cup	114
Egg, Whole, Raw, Fresh, Lrg	2 Each	143
Snacks		792
Eas Premium Protein	2 Scoops	140
Coffee, Brewed w/ Tap Water	8 Fluid ounces	2
Paleo Pizza Crust	1 Serving	226
Chicken, Breast, Chunk, Premium, In Water, Tyson	3 Ounces	90
Dressing, Mayonnaise, Real	½ Tablespoon	48
Onion, white, fresh, chpd	⅛ Cup	8
Pickles, Kosher Dill, Med, 3 3/4" Long	¼ Each	2
Olives, Black, Large, Cnd	2 Each	10
Banana, Fresh, Med, 7" To 7 7/8" Long	1 Each	105
Sugar Free Pecan Delight, Russell Stover	2 Pieces	160
No nutrient data for: Fiber
Exercise		76
Fitbit Adjustment	158 min	76

Nutrients
Fat	101g	46%
Carbohydrates	115g	23%
Fiber	25g
Protein	154g	31%

Summary
Food Calories	1,991
Exercise Calories	76
Net Calories	1,915
+/- Calories	-111
Weight	-

April Fools

Here I am, getting ready to go to bed, wanting to confess that I seem to be the biggest fool of them all.
I was eating correctly today, preparing my food for next week, still hurting from my bad choices the night before. I went and picked Chris up around 4:00 pm, we stopped by my mom's house and then headed home. While we were driving I told Chris I had let him down and explained how, he then told me that he had pizza the night before too (he was house sitting). As we pulled into the driveway, Chris said, "I really want Taco Bell". I hadn't given Taco Bell a single thought for the last 15 days, yet like some Pavlovian response, I all of a sudden had to have Taco Bell.

We went and got the food, brought it back home and both of us thought it was disgusting. Chris tossed one item, I tossed two. I still felt bad after eating it, instant flushing of the face and headache.

I think I am done being stupid, at least for awhile. I wasn't going to post about this, but what good is a blog to help keep me accountable if I don't post the low points.

I weighed myself this morning. I found the scale and weighed myself. Today's weight 421.6 lbs, a loss of 12.4 lbs.

I want to end with a quote by H. Stanley Judd that Sheila N. had posted on her facebook wall.

Don't be afraid to fail. Don't waste energy trying to cover up failure. Learn from your failures and go on to the next challenge. It's OK to fail. If you're not failing, you're not growing. -H. Stanley Judd

Paleo - Day 15, March 31, 2012

Last night at The Zen I had the mongolian grill. Something must have been in the sauces I chose. Sugar, gluten. Bad stuff. Within an hour I was feeling on edge. I also did two jello shots. I've always wanted to try those, so I decided why not. Well I never need to do that again. I'd rather have a straight shot of alcohol. Oh and I ate the 1/2-3/4 cup of white rice that came with it because I had put too much hot oil in the mix. Sheesh! By the time I got home I was achy all over and felt really sick to my stomach

I was sick to my stomach and felt horrible all night long. I had to cancel my workout session today, which I felt terrible about, but I was sick. Surely it couldn't have just been from my food, stomach flu? Probably not, probably just from what I ate. I started feeling better around noon. Though I felt like I was back to square one with cravings, I was craving things in the worst way.

Dylan called around 4 and asked if I wanted to go with Shannon to Splitz, he was playing a private part. We went, I should have eaten before we went, but I didn't. Big mistake. We sat out of the way, it turns out we sat near the food, guess what they were serving? Pizza. I swear there are times my food cravings can not be any less intense than what a drug addict feels towards drugs. My thoughts weren't rational. My fists were clenched. I should have left. Went for a walk or just flat out said I was sorry but that I had to leave. I didn't, instead I ate. It tasted so good. Why do I get so much pleasure from food, food that is bad for me. Five slices of pizza, hot spinach dip and chips, and a slice of cake. I felt horrible. Physically I was having hot flashes, I felt flush, I felt like my skin was too tight, edgy, my stomach blew up like a balloon. Mentally I feel absolutely terrible. I have let my son down. I haven't told him yet. He has been keeping his end of the bargain, 30 days. I blew it. I had told friends and family about eating Paleo and I blew it. I can't undo it, I can't change things. I can only try again.

Less than four hours after eating gluten and dairy I am congested. My body aches everywhere. I feel like a roly poly weeble wobble. I have to eat clean. There is no way I can do Crossfit while eating crap like I did last night. When I eat food like pizza and cake, my body is filled with pain and inflammation. I can barely move, I am physically weaker. I hope enough of it is out of my system before my next session, which hopefully will be Tuesday.