January 2012 - February 2012

Random Thoughts from my Cozi Journal, an app I have on my phone.

January 13, 2012

I just don't know if I can or want to do this. I should want to and part of me does, but I really want to eat. I just keep thinking how good food tastes and how badly I want some. I need to be locked away I think. What is wrong with me? I should want to be thin and healthy, to live a long life. All I can think of if food, how much I want it and want to feel full and warm. I am sure I have food addictions going on. How many times in my life have I felt like Esau selling his birthright. That is my life story, I trade everything I want in life for what I want right now, which is invariably food.

January 13, 2012

I need to remember: It's not easy, but it's simple.

January 14, 2012

Good morning day 4, I'm so glad I made it through yesterday. Really thankful Shannon was with me a good portion of the time, talking me down from jumping into poor food choices several times yesterday. I am happy to say I now weigh 399.6 lbs! I am under 400 pounds and hope to never cross back over that border.

January 15, 2012

I broke the juice fast after 3.5 days. I ate yesterday evening and today. I plan on juicing again tomorrow or Tuesday. I have eaten some cookie dough and notice it doesn't taste very good. Interesting. The burger I at last night ( other half for breakfast today) was incredibly good. Sugar isn't appealing. Good news. Hmmm I'm eating pizza right now. It doesn't taste as good as it used too.

January 16, 2012

Ate some zingers today. They weren't good at all. I find it interesting that I got more satisfaction from a dried fig than the sugary packaged food.

I also made tacos they didn't do a lot for me either. My tastes are changing. I am changing.

January 17, 2012

Weight: 411 lbs
I'm excited to be back on juice, after 2.5 days off I am craving it. Also the food I've eaten is overly salty and overly sweet. My body is craving water and nutrients.

January 17, 2012

Didn't stay on plan. I wasn't hungry but I talked myself into eating. Juicing is what I need right now. It will work for me if I give it a chance.

January 19, 2012

I am revved up and ready to go. At least I was last night. So much so that I only slept 3 hours. Now feeling exhausted. On top of that severe allergies have kicked in. I can't take a benadryl, it would finish me off.

Thoughts:

I don't have to eat to be social.
In time it won't feel awkward to be the only one not eating, I'll actually enjoy myself more, reveling in the freedom from food.

This is how I want to feel/think:
I feel accomplished.
I feel in control.
I feel free.
I feel comfortable in my own skin, light and flexible.
I feel physically and mentally strong.
I feel ready for adventure.

January 21, 2012

412 lbs

I want to succeed at this. I want to finally accomplish a goal I set for myself. This is me. This is my life, my choice. I choose freedom.

January 24, 2012

Gearing up for tomorrow. I am ready. I firmly believe that this battle, though physical will be won or lost in my mind. I am ready to fight. I have been getting mentally stronger with each go. Physically my body is screaming for the nutrients. I am ready.

January 28, 2012

"you can not try, you have to just f#@*ing do it" Bob Harper

February 2, 2012

 414.4 lbs

Stayed on plan till last night. Ate food from fridge it was not as good as I thought it would be. I thought about not starting till after the superbowl next Monday but if I wait that long I'll want to wait till after grandma's wedding on the 11th, which means starting on the 12 th, that seems like a long time to wait.

Then I slept so great last night, like I did before while juicing it makes me want more.

So I am starting out with juice and we'll see where the day goes.

February 26, 2012

I have been sick for over a week. It is in my chest and I feel terrible. Chris has been wonderful today. I really wanted fresh juice but no energy to make it. He did most of the work including washing the juicer. I am so appreciative of his help.

Note:

Even though I tried numerous times, I never was able to juice fast longer than 4 days during January and February, I think I only stayed on it 4 days once. Most were just 1 or 2 day attempts.  At that point I realized although I do like the juice, the Mean Green really is invigorating, a juice fast at this point doesn't seem to be happening and I need to look into something more suited for me.