I was eating correctly today, preparing my food for next week, still hurting from my bad choices the night before. I went and picked Chris up around 4:00 pm, we stopped by my mom's house and then headed home. While we were driving I told Chris I had let him down and explained how, he then told me that he had pizza the night before too (he was house sitting). As we pulled into the driveway, Chris said, "I really want Taco Bell". I hadn't given Taco Bell a single thought for the last 15 days, yet like some Pavlovian response, I all of a sudden had to have Taco Bell.
We went and got the food, brought it back home and both of us thought it was disgusting. Chris tossed one item, I tossed two. I still felt bad after eating it, instant flushing of the face and headache.
I think I am done being stupid, at least for awhile. I wasn't going to post about this, but what good is a blog to help keep me accountable if I don't post the low points.
I weighed myself this morning. I found the scale and weighed myself. Today's weight 421.6 lbs, a loss of 12.4 lbs.
I want to end with a quote by H. Stanley Judd that Sheila N. had posted on her facebook wall.
Hi there.
ReplyDeleteWeight loss is hard. HARD. I don't think that most people get how food can become larger than calories and fat grams for some of us.
There are some foods that just fill a void for me. I eat it... and am usually regretting it while I'm eating it, but I don't stop and continue to eat it anyway. That usually happens when I feel bad about myself, or bored, or lonely or... I immediately feel like crap (both physically and emotionally) afterword. Once I've "fallen off the wagon", I often get the horrible "well, I've screwed up this much, might as well finish the job" mentality and continue to make bad choices. The downward spiral keeps going.
Honestly, most people can't possibly understand. Heck, I don't understand and it's me doing it.
The good news is that we have great friends. Friends who don't judge us. Friends who want to see us get healthy. Friends who make us feel special, and worth it. They've been brought into our lives to be our shelter when we need a bit of a reprieve. When we're so busy beating ourselves up, they show up to make us see that we don't deserve what we're doing to ourselves.
You're going to make mistakes. Big ones. Big ones that lead to more mistakes. It's going to happen. If you're anything like me, this has been a way of life for so many years, you can't really remember any other way.
This year is different. This year I'm going to make a difference. I am worth more than food. I'm not just 'the fat girl' anymore.
I know you don't have any idea who I am, but I'm learning about you. You are one of my shelters. Reading about your triumphs and struggles makes me realize that I am not alone. Please, please don't beat yourself up. You are worth more than that. Today is done. Tomorrow is another day. You are not a failure because you slipped a little. As long as you continue on your journey, you will not fail.
Hugs are sent your way,
Summer
Thank you Summer, for your kindness and encouragement. I struggle with the idea of making mistakes, I have a very strong need to do this perfectly. I have thought for the last few years that thinking like that helps keep me like I am, never reaching my goal.
ReplyDeleteYour last paragraph really means a lot to me. I thought about it today, and it helped, today was a rough day.
Thank you,
Lisa